RAY: After I killed them, I dropped the gun in the Thames,
washed the residue off me hands in the bathroom of a Burger King,
and walked home to await instructions
Shortly thereafter, the instructions came through
‘Get the fuck out of London, youse dumb fucks
‘Get to Bruges’
I didn’t even know where Bruges fucking was
It’s in Belgium
RAY: Bruges is a shithole
KEN: Bruges is not a shithole
Bruges is a shithole
Ray, we’ve only just got off the fucking train
Could we reserve judgment on Bruges until we’ve seen the fucking place?
I know it’s gonna be a shithole
(EXHALES)
(SOFTLY) Shithole
(BELL DINGS)
I think you have a couple of rooms booked under Cranham and Blakely?
Yes No, we have one room booked
One twin room Booked for two weeks
Two weeks!
Do you have another room?
No, I'm afraid we’re fully booked
With Christmas, everywhere is fully booked
Okay
(SIGHS)
It’s very pretty
I’m not being funny, we can’t stay here
We’ve got to stay here until he rings
Well, what if he doesn’t ring for two weeks?
Then we stay here for two weeks
For two weeks? In fucking Bruges? In a room like this?
With you? No way!
Ray, I really don’t like to say this
You really don’t like to say what?
Well You know?
Fucking bring that up
Do you think this is good?
Do I think what’s good?
You know, going round in a boat, looking at stuff
Yes, I do
It's called ‘sightseeing’
Oh, look at that
It’s a former hospital From the 1100s
Bruges is the most well-preserved medieval town
in the whole of Belgium, apparently
Coming up? What’s up there?
The view
The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here
Ray, you’re about the worst tourist in the whole world
Ken, I grew up in Dublin I love Dublin
If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me
But I didn’t, so it doesn’t
(HUMMING)
Trying to get rid of me coins
3, 350, 4,
410, 420, 430, 440, 450, 460,
470,
480,
490
Will you take 490?
Entry is 5 euro
Come on, man, it’s only 10 cents
Entry is 5 euro
(CASH REGISTER DINGS)
Happy in your work?
Very happy
(SIGHS)
I like it here
(IMITATES GUN FIRING)
MAN: Been to the top of the tower?
Yeah Yeah, it’s rubbish
It is? The guidebook says it’s a ‘must-see’
Well, you lot ain’t going up there
Pardon me? Why?
I mean, it’s all windy stairs I’m not being funny
What exactly are you trying to say?
What exactly am I trying to say?
Youse are a bunch of fucking elephants!
Right, you
Come on, leave it, fatty
(PANTING)
You know, you’re just the rudest man The rudest man!
What’s all that about?
They’re not going up there
Hey, guys, I wouldn’t go up there It’s really narrow
Screw you, motherfucker!
Americans, isn’t it?
Now, this is more like it Proper holidays
One gay beer for my gay friend,
and one normal beer for me, because I am normal
(SIGHS)
This is the life
We’re not staying here getting pissed
We are quietly sightseeing, like he says,
and awaiting his call to see what we do next
This is my vote on what we should do
We give it another day, two days, max
Then we check the papers again, and if there’s still nothing in them,
we phone him and say, ‘Harry, thank you for the trip to Bruges,
‘it’s been very nice, all the old buildings and that,
‘but we’re coming back to London now, and hide out in a proper country,
‘where it isn’t all just fucking chocolates’
My vote would be we quietly sightsee, like he says,
and await his call to see what we do next
You don’t even know we’re here hiding out
What are you talking about?
You don’t even know we’re not here on a job
What, on a job? Yeah
Here in Bruges? Yeah
Here in Bruges, on a job? Yeah
Why? What did he actually say?
He didn’t actually say anything
Then why do you think it might be? I don’t think anything
But it’s a bit fucking over-elaborate, isn’t it?
‘Go take him to hide out’ ‘Go take him to hide out where?’
‘Go take him to hide out in fucking Bruges’
You can hide out in Croydon
Hmm
Or Coventry
Hmm
It is a bit over-elaborate
Hmm
But we haven’t got any guns
Harry can get guns anywhere
(BELL TOLLING)
He’s not gonna ring tonight
(SIGHS)
He’s not gonna ring tonight
Let’s go out
Go out where? The pub
No!
Let’s go out and have a look at some of the
All the old medieval buildings and that
Because I bet they look even better at night, all lit up
Yes!
That there is called the Gruuthuse Museum
They all have funny names, don’t they?
Yes, Flemish
In here it says, ‘The Belgians twice sheltered fugitive English Kings
‘from being murdered, 1471 and 1651’
I used to hate history, didn’t you?
It’s all just a load of stuff that’s already happened
What are they doing over there?
They’re filming something They’re filming midgets!
Ray!
MAN: So, on this scene, you’re supposed to walk like a little, tiny mouse, yeah?
Okay? Great
Ray, come on, let’s go
My arse, ‘Let’s go’ They’re filming midgets
Oh, my God! Look at that girl
She’s gorgeous!
Ray, we’re going right now
Fuck off, are we!
This is the best bit of Bruges so far You and your buildings
Hello
Do you speak English? No
Yes, you do Everybody does
What are you filming midgets for?
It’s a Dutch movie It’s a dream sequence
It’s a pastiche of Nicholas Roeg's Don’t Look Now
Not a pastiche, but a
A ‘homage’ is too strong A ‘nod of the head’?
Wow, your English is very good
A lot of midgets tend to kill themselves
A disproportionate amount
Herve Villechaize, off of Fantasy Island
I think somebody off The Time Bandits
I suppose they must get really sad about, like,
being really little and that
People looking at them and laughing at them
Calling them names You know, ‘shortarse’
There’s another famous midget I’m missing, but I can’t remember
It’s not the R2-D2 man No, he’s still going
I hope your midget doesn’t kill himself Your dream sequence will be fucked
He doesn’t like being called a midget He prefers ‘dwarf’
Well, this is exactly my point!
People go around calling you a midget when you want to be called a dwarf
Of course you’re gonna blow your head off!
My name’s Ray What’s yours? Chloe
How did you get past the security man?
Getting past security men, it’s sort of my job
You’re a shoplifter?
(CHUCKLES) No, not a shoplifter
It’s a good joke, though
No
I'll tell you what I am at dinner tomorrow night
(CHUCKLING)
Fuck
How fucking cool
Mr. Blakely?
Yes No, Mr. Cranham No Yes Mr. Blakely Yes
You have a message
Shit!
HARRY: Number one, why aren’t you in when I fucking told you to be in?
Number two, why doesn’t this hotel have phones with fucking voicemail
and not I have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist?
Number three, you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again
or there'll be fucking Hell to pay, I’m fucking telling you Harry
(DOOR LOCK TURNING)
Would you turn the fucking light off!
Sorry, Ken
Keep the fucking noise down!
Someone’s in a mood
(SOFTLY) You’ll never guess what
Will you shut your fucking mouth, please, and go to sleep?
Oh, sorry
Except I've gotta take me contact lenses out
Altogether,
I had
five pints of beer and six bottles
No Six pints of beer and seven bottles
And you know what? I’m not even pissed!
You’ll never guess what, Ken
Ken, you’ll never guess what What?
Got a date for tomorrow night
I’m very happy for you
With a girl
Can you turn the light off, please?
Only been in Bruges one day, got a date with a girl in the film business,
the Belgian film business
They’re doing a film about a midget
Miss?
Marie?
Sorry about the message last night The man who left it is a bit of a
Well, he’s a bit of a
Cock?
Yes He’s a bit of a cock
Morning
Harry called last night
We missed him
Jeez, he swears a lot, doesn’t he?
We’re staying in tonight Whatever happens
Hmm
Except
Hmm Hmm
Except ‘hmm’ what?
Except only one of us needs to stay in, really
Uh-huh
And which one of us would that be, now, Ray?
I thought you didn’t like Bruges
I don’t like Bruges, it’s a shithole
But I did already say I had a date with a Belgian lady
in the Belgian film business, which I did already say about before
Just don’t get into any fucking trouble
We’re keeping a low profile
And this morning, and this afternoon,
we are doing what I want to do
Got it? Of course
Which, I presume, will involve culture
Oh, we shall strike a balance between culture and fun
Somehow I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favor of culture
Like a big, fat, fucking retarded, fucking black girl
on a seesaw, opposite
a dwarf
(DRAGGING FEET)
(SOFTLY) Ray, did we or did we not agree
that if I let you go on your date tonight,
we’d do the things I wanted to do today?
We are doing the things that you wanted to do today
And that we’d do them without you throwing a fucking moody,
like some 5-year-old who’s dropped all his sweets?
I didn’t agree to that
I’ll cheer up I’ll cheer up
Up there, the top altar, is a phial
brought back by a Flemish knight from the Crusades in the Holy Land
And that phial, do you know what it’s said to contain?
No, what’s it said to contain?
It’s said to contain some drops of Jesus Christ’s blood
Yeah, that’s how this church got its name Basilica of the Holy Blood
Yeah Yeah
And this blood, right, though it’s dried blood,
at different times over many years, they say it turned back into liquid
Turned back into liquid from dried blood
At various times of great
stress
Yeah? Yeah
So, yeah, I’m gonna go up in the queue and touch it, which is what you do
Yeah? Yeah You coming?
Do I have to?
Do you have to? Of course you don’t have to
It’s Jesus’ fucking blood, isn’t it? Of course you don’t fucking have to!
Of course you don’t fucking have to!
You little fucking cunt
(SIGHS)
RAY: Murder, Father
PRIEST: Why did you murder someone, Raymond?
For money, Father
For money?
You murdered someone for money?
Yes, Father
Not out of anger, not out of nothing For money
(CLEARS THROAT)
Who did you murder for money, Raymond?
You, Father
I’m sorry?
I said you, Father What, are you deaf?
Harry Waters says hello
The little boy
RAY: I quite like this one
All the rest were rubbish by spastics, but this one’s quite good
What’s that all about, then?
It’s Judgment Day, you know? Oh, yeah
What’s that then?
Well, it’s, you know, the final day on Earth
When mankind will be judged for all the crimes they’ve committed and that
And see who gets into Heaven and who gets into Hell and all that?
Yeah
And what’s the other place?
Purgatory
Purgatory?
Purgatory’s kind of like the in-betweeny one
You weren’t really shit, but you weren’t all that great, either
Like Tottenham
Do you believe in all that stuff, Ken?
About Tottenham?
The Last Judgment and the afterlife
Guilt and sins and
Hell and all that?
Um
Well
KEN: I don’t know, Ray I don’t know what I believe
The things you’re taught as a child, they never really leave you, do they?
So, like, I believe in trying to lead a good life
Like, if there’s an old lady, carrying her shopping home,
I don’t try and help her carry her shopping, I don’t go that far,
but I’ll certainly hold the door open for her and that, and let her go out before me
Yeah And anyway, if you tried to help her carry her shopping,
she’d probably think you were just trying to nick her shopping
Exactly This is the world we live in today
At the same time as trying to lead a good life,
I have to reconcile myself with the fact that, yes, I have killed people
Not many people Most of them were not very nice people
Apart from one person
Who’s that?
This fellow, Danny Aliband's brother
He was just trying to protect his brother Like you or I would
He was just a lollipop man
He came at me with a bottle What are you gonna do?
I shot him down
Hmm
In my book, though, sorry, someone comes at you with a bottle,
that is a deadly weapon, he’s gotta take the consequences
I know that in my heart
I also know that he was just trying to protect his brother, you know?
I know But a bottle, that can kill you
It’s a case of it’s you or him
If he’d come at you with his bare hands, that’d be different
That wouldn’t have been fair
Well, technically, your bare hands can kill somebody, too
They can be deadly weapons, too I mean, what if he knew karate, say?
You said he was a lollipop man
He was a lollipop man
What’s a lollipop man doing knowing fucking karate?
I’m just saying
How old was he? About 50
What’s a 50-year-old lollipop man doing knowing fucking karate?
What was he, a Chinese lollipop man?
Jesus, Ken, I’m trying to talk about
I know what you’re trying to talk about
I killed a little boy You keep bringing up fucking lollipop men!
You didn’t mean to kill a little boy
I know I didn’t mean to
But because of the choices I made and the course that I put into action,
a little boy isn’t here anymore
And he’ll never be here again
I mean here in the world, not here in Belgium
Well, he’ll never be here in Belgium, either, will he?
I mean, he might have wanted to come here when he got older
I don’t know why
(SIGHS)
And that’s all because of me
He’s dead because of me
And I’m trying to
I’m trying to get me head around it, but I can’t
I will always have killed that little boy
That ain’t ever going away Ever
Unless
Maybe I go away
Don’t even think like that
(EXHALES)
You look good
What’s it matter anyway?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
So, what do you do, Raymond?
I shoot people for money
(SCOFFS)
What kinds of people?
Priests Children You know, the usual
Is there a lot of money to be made in that line of business?
There is in priests There isn’t in children
So what is it you do, Chloe?
I sell cocaine and heroin to Belgian film crews
Do you?
Do I look like I do?
You do, actually
(CHUCKLING)
Do I look like I shoot people?
No
Just children
Mmm-hmm
I saw your midget today Little prick didn’t even say hello
Well, he’s on a lot of ketamine
What’s that?
Horse tranquilizer
A horse tranquilizer?
Where’d he get that? I sold it to him
You can’t sell horse tranquilizers to a midget!
This movie, I think it’s gonna be a very good one
There’s never been a classic movie made in Bruges until now
Of course there hasn’t, it’s a shithole
Bruges is my hometown, Ray
Well, it’s still a shithole
It’s not a shithole
What? Even midgets have to take drugs to stick it
Okay
So, you’ve insulted my hometown
You’re doing very well, Raymond
Why don’t you tell me some Belgian jokes while you’re at it?
I don’t know any Belgian jokes
And if I did, I think I’d have the good sense not to
Hey, hang on Is Belgium where there were all those child abuse murders lately?
Then I do know a Belgian joke
What’s Belgium famous for?
Chocolates and child abuse
And they only invented the chocolates to get to the kids
What?
One of the girls they murdered was a friend of mine
(SIGHS)
I’m sorry, Chloe
One of the girls they murdered wasn’t a friend of mine
I just wanted to make you feel bad
And it worked Quite well
Fucking unbelievable
What’s fucking unbelievable?
Are you talking to me?
(SOFTLY) He pauses, even though he should just hit the cunt
And he repeats
Yes, I am talking to you What’s fucking unbelievable?
Well, I’ll tell you what’s fucking unbelievable, shall I?
Blowing cigarette smoke straight into myself and my girlfriend’s face
That’s fucking unbelievable!
This is the smoking section I don’t care if it’s the smoking section
All right? She directed it right in my face, man
I don’t wanna die just because of your fucking arrogance Uh-huh
Isn’t that what the Vietnamese used to say?
Vietnamese? What are you talking about, the Vietnamese?
That statement makes no fucking sense at all
Yes it does The Vietnamese!
Well, saying it over and over ain’t gonna make any more sense out of it
How does the Vietnamese have any relevance whatsoever
to myself and my girlfriend having to breathe
your friend’s cigarette smoke?
Tell me how saying
That’s for John Lennon, you Yankee fucking cunt!
A bottle? No, don’t bother
(GROANS)
We’re leaving
I don’t hit women! I would never hit a woman, Chloe!
I’d hit a woman who was trying to hit me with a bottle!
That’s different That’s self-defense, isn’t it?
Or a woman who could do karate
I’d never hit a woman generally, Chloe Don’t think that
God, you’re pretty
I have to make a call
Oh, no
You’ve gone off me, now, haven’t you? Just because I hit that fucking cow
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? HARRY: Where the fuck were you yesterday?
We just popped out for some dinner, Harry We only popped out for half an hour
Yeah? What’d you have?
For dinner? Yeah
Pizza, at Pizza Hut
Was it nice?
Yeah, it was all right I don’t know It was Pizza Hut
The same as in England
Well, that’s globalization, isn’t it? Is Ray there with you?
He’s in the toilet
Can he hear? No
What’s he doing?
What do you mean? Is he doing a wee or a poo?
I don’t know, Harry, the door’s closed
Send him out on an errand for half an hour, but don’t make it sound suspicious
(SIGHS)
Ray? Why don’t you go out down to the pub for half an hour?
Yeah, yeah, I know I said you couldn’t,
but might as well enjoy ourselves, eh?
No, I don’t know if they’ve got bowling anywhere Could have a look
Yeah, see you
Yeah He’s gone
What’d you say to him?
I said, ‘Why don’t you go have a drink, you say you’ve been cooped up?’
What did he say? Said, yeah, he would
And he might go have a look to see if there’s a bowling alley around
Was he just having a wee?
Yeah, I think so I assume so
Sure he didn’t mind?
No, he was glad to get out
He’s definitely gone?
Yeah, yeah, he slammed the door
That don’t mean he’s gone Go check outside the door
Harry, he’s definitely gone
You realize there are no bowling alleys in Bruges?
I realize that, Harry The boy wanted to have a look anyway
What are they gonna have, a medieval fucking bowling alley?
As I say, I think he was just glad to get out and about
So, is he having a nice time, seeing all the canals and that?
I had a lovely time when I was there
All the canals and the old buildings and that
When were you here?
When I was seven Last happy holiday I fucking had
Have you been on a canal trip, yet? Yeah
Have you been down, like, all the old cobbled streets and that?
Yeah
It’s like a fairytale, isn’t it, that place? Yeah
With the churches and that They’re Gothic Yeah
Is it Gothic? Yeah
So he’s having a really nice time?
Well, I’m having a really nice time
I’m not sure if it’s really his cup of tea
What?
You know, I’m not sure if it’s really his thing
What do you mean, ‘It’s not really his thing’?
What’s that supposed to mean, ‘It’s not really his thing’?
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Nothing, Harry
It’s a fairytale fucking town, isn’t it?
How can a fairytale town not be somebody’s fucking thing?
How can all those canals and bridges and cobbled streets and those churches,
all that beautiful fucking fairytale stuff,
how can that not be somebody’s fucking thing, eh?
What I think I meant to say was
Is the swan still there? Yeah, the swan’s
How can fucking swans not fucking be somebody’s fucking thing, eh?
How can that be?
What I think I meant to say was,
when he first arrived, he wasn’t quite sure about it
You know, there’s that big, dual carriageway when you get off the train?
It mightn't have been here when you were here last, Harry
Well, as soon as he got into, like, the old town proper,
and he saw the canals and the bridges and, you know, the swans and that,
well, he just fucking loved it then
Couldn’t get enough of it, the medieval part of town
It was just that initial, dual carriageway thing sort of put him off for a second
Don’t know if I remember a dual carriageway
Must be recent
Hasn’t spoilt it, has it?
No, no, no, it’s just that initial thing
And you know what?
As we were walking through the streets,
there was this sort of freezing fog hanging over everything,
and it made it look almost like a fairytale or something
And he turned to me, do you know what he said?
What’d he say?
He said, ‘Ken, I know I’m awake, but I feel like I’m in a dream’
Yeah? He said that?
Yeah
Meaning, like, in a good dream?
Yeah Of course, like in a good dream
Oh, good I’m glad he likes it there
I’m glad we were able to give him something
Something good and happy Because he wasn’t a bad kid, was he?
Huh?
He wasn’t a bad kid, was he?
Listen, take down this address Raamstraat 17
That’s ‘Raam, ‘ like ‘Ram, ‘ but with an extra ‘a’
Raamstraat 17
You got that?
Yes, Raamstraat 17
Good There’ll be a man there tomorrow morning at 9:00, his name’s Yuri
Yuri He'll give you the gun
Ring me on the public phone at Jimmy Driscoll's
about 3:00 or 4:00 tomorrow, after it’s done
After what’s done?
Are you being thick?
No Listen, I like Ray
He was a good bloke, but when it all comes down to it, you know,
he blew the head off a little fucking kid And you brought him in, Ken
So if the buck don’t stop with him, where does it stop?
Ken?
If the buck don’t stop with him, where does it stop?
It stops with me, Harry That’s an easy one
Look, don’t get shirty, Ken
Listen, I’m just glad that I was able to do something for the boy before he went
Do what for the boy?
You know, have him get to see Bruges
I’d like to go to see Bruges again before I die
What was it he said again about Yeah, ‘It’s like a dream’
‘I know I’m awake, but I feel like I’m in a dream’
Yeah
Give me a call when he’s dead
(GASPS)
That’s my fucking girlfriend, you asshole
Eirik, what are you doing?
Where are you from, fucker?
Ireland, originally
And you think it’s okay to come over to Belgium
and fuck another man’s girl?
Look, I didn’t know she had a boyfriend, all right?
And I haven’t fucked her, anyway Ask her I’d only put me hand on it
Eirik, put the gun down!
Get down on your knees and open your mouth
Don’t start being silly
Get down on your
Exactly at what point was it that all skinheads suddenly became poofs?
Used to be, you were a skinhead,
you just went around beating up Pakistani 12-year-olds
Now it seems a prerequisite to be a fucking bum-boy!
That’s not gonna help you, man
Ray, there’s only blanks in that gun
Eirik, don’t!
Now who’s the fucking bum-boy?
You, you fucking bum-boy!
(GROANING)
Chloe, what exactly is going on here?
I can’t see! I can’t see!
Of course you can’t fucking see! I just shot a blank in your fucking eyes!
Is this fella your boyfriend? No I mean, he used to be
Well, what’s he doing here?
We We rob tourists, sometimes
I fucking knew it was too good to be true!
I knew you’d have never shagged me, normally
No! That’s not true, I
I called it off tonight I told him not to come tonight
Why did you come tonight?
EIRIK: Chloe, I can’t see, I swear it!
Stop whingeing like a big gay baby
I haven’t had a shag in months!
I can’t see out of this eye, Chloe! I have to go to the hospital!
I’ll drive you
Great! Now the whole night’s ruined!
No!
You can stay if you want I just don’t know how long I’ll be
I just knew someone like you would never like someone like me
I just knew What do you mean, someone like me?
You know, someone nice
Call me Please
EIRIK: Chloe!
Cha-ching!
(MUMBLES)
Have you got some sort of problem?
No, no problem
Four beers in 20 minutes No problem
Fuck off
JIMMY: Beer and a red wine
I’ll be back
How’s the movie going?
It’s a jumped-up Eurotrash piece of rip-off fucking bullshit
Like, in a bad way?
Your girlfriend’s very pretty
She ain’t my girlfriend She’s a prostitute I just picked up
Didn’t know there were any prostitutes in Bruges
You just have to look in the right places
Brothels are good
Well, you’ve picked up a very pretty prostitute
Thank you
You from the States?
Yeah
But don’t hold it against me
I’ll try not to
Just try not to say anything too loud or crass
Hey-ho Drowning your sorrows, huh?
What sorrows? You know, being a sad, old, ugly little man
One gay beer, please
How’d your date go?
My date involved two instances of extreme violence
One instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing,
which lasted all too briefly Isn’t that always the way?
One instance of me stealing five grams of her very-high-quality cocaine,
and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead
So, all in all, my evening pretty much balanced out fine
You got five grams of coke?
I’ve got four grams on me and one gram in me,
which is why me heart is going like the clappers,
as if I’m about to have a heart attack
So if I collapse any minute now, please remember to tell the doctors
that it might have something to do with the coke
Give us a gram, then
I thought you were laying off, because it makes you depressed?
You know what? Right now, I don’t really give a fuck
Why didn’t you wave hello to me today when I waved hello to you today?
I was on a very strong horse tranquilizer today
I wasn’t waving hello to anybody, except maybe to a horse
Huh? What are you talking about?
Just horseshit
You from America?
Yeah But don’t hold it against me
Well, that’s for me to decide, isn’t it?
Are you from America, too?
No, I’m from Amsterdam
(SCOFFS) Amsterdam
Amsterdam is just a load of bloody prostitutes, isn’t it?
Yes That’s why I came to Bruges
I thought I’d get a better price for my pussy here
Huh?
You two are weird
Would you like some cocaine?
I’ve also got some acid and some ecstasy
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Herve Villechaize, I know, did
The dwarf off, I think, The Time Bandits, did
Lots of midgets
Dwarves, top themselves
Hmm Shitloads
Would you ever think about it?
Huh?
Would you ever think about killing yourself because you’re a midget?
Fuck, man! What kind of question is that?
We’re just chatting, aren’t we?
See, Ken, this is the kind of hotel Harry should have put us in
A five-star, with prostitutes in
You know, sometimes, I think Harry doesn’t even give a shit about us at all
Has he still not called?
No Still hasn’t called
No news is good news, eh?
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
RAY: Hmm
Who’s she?
JIMMY: There’s gonna be a war, man
I can see it
There’s gonna be a war between the blacks and between the whites
You ain’t even gonna need a uniform no more
This ain’t gonna be a war where you pick your side
Your side’s already picked for you
And I know whose side I’m fighting on I’m fighting with the blacks
The whites are gonna get their heads kicked in!
JIMMY: You don’t decide this shit, man
Well, who are the half-castes gonna fight with?
The blacks, man That’s obvious
But what about the Pakistanis?
The blacks What about
Think of a hard one
What about the Vietnamese?
The blacks!
Well, I’m definitely fighting with the blacks if they’ve got the Vietnamese
So, hang on
Would all of the white midgets in the world be fighting
against all the black midgets in the world?
Yeah
That would make a good film!
You don’t know how much shit I’ve had to take off of black midgets, man
That’s
Undeniably true
See, Jimmy,
my wife was black
And I loved her very much
And in 1976, she was murdered by a white man
So, where the fuck am I supposed to stand in all this blood and carnage?
Did they get the guy who did it?
A friend of mine got him
Harry Waters got him
So tell me, Jim, whose side do I fight on in this wonderful war?
I think you need to weigh up all your options
and let your conscience decide, Ken
Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf
I think I’m heading home
Yeah I think I’ll come with you
What’s Back off, shorty!
You don’t know karate
Don’t say you didn’t have it coming
Shortarse!
Meeting Yuri
Yes, I’m Yuri
Mr. Waters said that might be necessary
There are a lot of alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park
You use this word, ‘alcoves’?
‘Alcoves’? Yes Sometimes
There are not many people around in these alcoves in Christmastime
If I were to murder a man, I would murder him here
Are you sure this is the right word, ‘alcoves’?
‘Alcoves,’ yes It’s kind of like ‘nooks and crannies’
‘Nooks and crannies,’ yes Perhaps this would be more accurate
‘Nooks and crannies,’ rather than ‘alcoves’ Yeah
You are going to do it, aren’t you? Mr. Waters will be very disappointed
Of course I’m going to fucking do it
It’s what I do
Your friend was behaving rather oddly this morning
Oddly? How?
Well, he asked me about the baby, and if I wanted a boy or a girl
I said I didn’t mind as long as it’s healthy, of course
But then he gave me 200 euros to give to the baby
I refused, obviously, but he was quite insistent
Would you give it back to him when you see him?
I don’t want to appear ungrateful, but it seemed like all the money he had
Do you know where he is now? He said he was going to the park
Sorry, Ray
I’m sorry
Ray, don’t!
Fucking hell! Where the fuck did you come from?
I was behind the thing What the fuck are you doing, Ray?
What the fuck are you doing?
Nothing
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, my God!
You were gonna kill me No, I wasn’t
You were gonna kill yourself!
I’m allowed to
No, you’re not!
What?
I’m not allowed to and you are? How’s that fair?
Can we go somewhere and talk about this, please?
I wasn’t gonna go through with it, Ray
You fucking looked like you were gonna go fucking through with it
Where’d you get that gun?
A friend of Harry’s
Fuck, man
Let me see it
Silencer, too
Nice
Mine’s a bloody girl’s gun
I’m keeping it Pardon me?
Give me me gun back You’re not getting it back
You’re a suicide case
And you were trying to shoot me in the fucking head
You’re not getting that gun back
A great day this has turned out to be
I’m suicidal, me mate tries to kill me,
me gun gets nicked and we’re still in fucking Bruges
Listen, I’m gonna give you some money and put you on a train somewhere
Back to England?
You can’t go back to England, Ray You’d be a dead man!
(CRYING) I want to be a dead man
Have you been missing something?
You don’t want to be a dead man, Ray
I killed a little boy!
Then save the next little boy
Just go away somewhere,
get out of this business and try to do something good
You’re not gonna help anybody dead
You’re not gonna bring that boy back
But you might save the next one
What am I gonna be, a doctor?
You need exams
Do anything, Ray Do anything
RAY: What a wanker!
He said this whole trip,
this whole being in Bruges thing,
was just to give you one last, joyful memory before you died
In Bruges?
(LAUGHING)
The Bahamas, maybe
Why fucking Bruges?
I suppose it’s cheaper
(WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON PA)
The rest of the acid and the ecstasy
Can I have me gun back, please?
What am I gonna do, Ken?
What am I gonna do? Just keep moving
Keep on moving
Try not to think about it
Learn a new language, maybe?
Sure, I can hardly do English
That’s one thing I like about Europe, though
You don’t have to learn any of their languages
Just forget about home for a while
See how the land lies in six years, seven years
Seven years is not that long
It’s longer than that boy got
Me first fucking job
Great hitman I turned out to be
Some people just aren’t cut out for it, Ray
Are you?
When are you going back to England?
I’ll head back in a couple of hours or something
Harry’s not gonna be mad at you, is he? For letting me go?
I’ll sort out Harry
Just tell him I’ll have probably killed meself in a fortnight, anyway
You won’t, will you, Ray?
Harry? It’s Ken
Listen to this noise
Do you know what that is?
Yeah, I know you know it’s a train Do you know what train?
Well, it’s a train that Ray just got on, and he’s alive and he’s well,
and he doesn’t know where he’s going and neither do I
So if you need to do your worst, do your worst
You’ve got the address of the hotel I’ll be here waiting
Because I’ve got to quite like Bruges, now
It’s like a fucking fairytale or something
(PHONE BANGING)
Harry
Harry!
What?
It’s an inanimate fucking object
You’re an inanimate fucking object!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Now, you lot be good for your mummy and lmamoto, okay?
‘Cause Daddy’s got to go away for a few days
Where are you going?
I’ve got to go to Bruges
Bruges? Where’s that?
It’s in Belgium
Why would anybody have to go to Belgium?
‘Cause I’ve got to sort something out
Is it something to do with the phone?
It’s something to do with Ken
It’s a matter of honor
Well, it ain’t gonna be dangerous, is it?
Well, of course it’s gonna be dangerous if it’s a matter of fucking honor!
You are bringing the fellas with you?
Tell me you’re bringing the fellas with you
Harry
I’m sorry for calling you an inanimate object
I was upset
(TRAIN BRAKES SCREECHING)
You’re Irish? Yes
What is your name?
Derek Perlurrl
You hit the Canadian
I ‘heet’ the Canadian? I don’t know what you’re talking about
That’s him! That’s the motherfucker
You hit the Canadian, yeah?
Canadian? Shit
(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
We’re taking you back to Bruges Brilliant
Aye aye
YURl: Take your pick, Mr. Waters
(CHUCKLES) An Uzi?
I’m not from South Central Los fucking Angeles
I didn’t come here to shoot 20 black 10-year-olds in a fucking drive-by
I want a normal gun for a normal person
I knew he wouldn’t kill the guy
I could see it in his eyes when I was telling him about the alcoves
About the what? The alcoves
The alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park
Oh, I also have some dumdums
You use this word, ‘dumdums’? The bullets that make the head explode?
Dumdums, yeah
Would you like some of these dumdums?
I know I shouldn’t,
but I will
Motherfucker
Is he talking to me?
No, Eirik’s on your side, Mr. Waters
Your young friend blinded him last night
Ray did?
I was trying to rob him and he took my gun from me
And the gun was full of blanks,
and he shot the blank into my eye
And now, I cannot see from this eye ever again, the doctors say
Well, to be honest, it sounds like it was all your fault
What?
I mean, basically, if you’re robbing a man and you’re only carrying blanks,
and you allow your gun to be taken off you,
and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank,
for which I assume the person has to get quite close to you, then,
yeah, really, it’s all your fault for being such a poof
So why don’t you stop whingeing and cheer the fuck up?
YURl: Eirik, I really wouldn’t respond
I thought you wanted the guy dead?
I do want the guy dead I want him fucking crucified
But it don’t change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind, little gay boy
Does it?
Thanks for the gun, Yuri
Well?
The boy is suicidal, Harry
He’s a walking dead man
Keeps going on about Hell and purgatory
When I phoned you yesterday, did I ask you,
‘Ken, will you do me a favor and become Ray’s psychiatrist, please?’
No What I think I asked you was, ‘Could you go blow his fucking head off for me?’
‘He’s suicidal’?
I’m suicidal You’re suicidal Everybody’s fucking suicidal!
We don’t all keep going on about it!
Has he killed himself yet? No So he’s not fucking suicidal, is he?
He put a loaded gun to his head this morning I stopped him
He What? This gets fucking worse!
We were down in the park
Let me get this right You were down in the park?
What’s that got to do with fucking anything?
Let me get this right Not only have you refused to kill the boy,
you’ve even stopped the boy from killing himself,
which would have solved my problem,
which would have solved your problem,
which sounds like it would’ve solved the boy’s problem
It wouldn’t have solved his problem
Ken, if I had killed a little kid, accidentally or otherwise,
I wouldn’t have thought twice
I’d have killed myself on the fucking spot On the fucking spot
I’d have stuck the gun in me mouth on the fucking spot!
That’s you, Harry The boy has the capacity to change
The boy has the capacity to do something decent with his life
Excuse me, Ken I have the capacity to change
Yeah, you do You’ve the capacity to get fucking worse!
Yeah, now I’m getting down to it!
Harry, let’s face it
And I’m not being funny, I mean no disrespect,
but you’re a cunt
You’re a cunt now, you’ve always been a cunt
And the only thing that’s gonna change is you’re gonna become an even bigger cunt
Maybe have some more cunt kids
Leave my kids fucking out of it What have they done?
You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!
I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids
Insulting my fucking kids! That’s going overboard, mate!
I retracted it, didn’t I?
Still leaves you being a cunt
Yeah, I fucking got that
Where’s Ray now?
Oh, right about now, Ray is in one or other
of the one million towns in mainland Europe it’s possible to be in, other than here
(DOOR SHUTS)
I’ll get all the money back to you soon as I get through to me friend
It’s not a problem, Raymond
And I’ll get all your acid and your ecstasy back to you, too
English humor!
I’m assuming you’ve got your gun on you
That Yuri bloke’s a funny fella, isn’t he?
He does yoga
‘The alcoves’
Was he going on to you about the alcoves?
(CHUCKLES)
‘The alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park’
(SNIFFLES)
Harry, I know you gotta do what you gotta do
It’s a bit crowded round here, you know?
Well, I’m not gonna have a shootout
in the middle of a thousand fucking Belgians, am I?
Not to mention the other nationalities, just on their holidays
Hmm
To see the swans and the Gothic and all the fairytale stuff, eh?
Are you trying to fucking wind me up? No, Harry
On top of calling me a cunt and calling me kids cunts
I might just have to fucking shoot you right here
Christ!
Let’s go up the bell tower
Be quiet up there this time of evening
Let’s go up there
Yeah Canadians
I feel a bit bad They didn’t kill John Lennon, did they?
Anyway, supposed to turn up to court here in two days
Are you going to turn up?
Don’t know
What have I got to stay for really?
The most beautiful woman
you’ve ever seen
in all of your stupid life
The tower is closed this evening
No way It’s supposed to be open till 7:00
The tower is usually open until 7:00
Yesterday an American had a heart attack up the tower
Today the tower is closed
Here, cranky, here’s 100 for you We’re only gonna be 20 minutes
The tower is closed this evening
Understand, Englishman?
(GROANING)
(CHUCKLES)
Jimmy, I’ve been wanting to say
I’m really sorry for karate-chopping you the other night
That was way out of order
You know, Ray, I’d find it easier to believe and forgive you, somehow,
if the two of you weren’t laughing straight in my fucking face!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
It’s for the goddamn movie, man
It is a nice town, Harry
I’m glad I got to see it
I didn’t mean to be taking the piss out of it being a fairytale place
It is a fairytale place
It really is Hmm
It’s just a shame it’s in Belgium, really
But then you figure if it wasn’t in Belgium, if it was somewhere good,
there’d be too many people coming to see it It would spoil the whole thing
Well, I’m glad I got to see it
before I died
What are you doing?
What are you fucking doing?
I’m not fighting anymore, Harry
All right, then I’m blowing your fucking head off
Don’t come over all Gandhi What are you fucking doing?
Ken, stop messing about, please
Pick up your gun I know I’m going to beat you anyway
‘cause you’re a spaz, but Harry,
I’m totally in your debt
The things that have gone between us in the past,
I love you unreservedly for all that
What?
For your integrity
For your honor
I love you
The boy had to be let go
The boy had to be given a chance
And if to do that, I had to say, ‘Fuck you, and fuck what I owe you,
‘and fuck everything that’s gone on between us,’ then that’s what I had to do
But l’m not fighting you
And I accept, totally, everything you’ve got to do
I accept it Totally
Oh, yeah?
Yeah
Well, you say all that fucking stuff, I can’t fucking shoot you now, can I?
Lt’s entirely up to you, Harry
lt’s entirely your call
All l’m saying is l’m not fighting
Oh, you fucking cunt!
Look, l’m not gonna do nothing to you
just ‘cause you’re standing about like Robert fucking Powell
Like who? Like Robert fucking Powell
out of Jesus of fucking Nazareth!
My fucking leg!
The psycho dwarf turns out to just be a loveable little schoolboy,
and it’s all some kind of Boschian nightmare
Kiss my ass!
I guess at least there weren’t any black people involved, eh, Jimmy?
I wasn’t
I wasn’t talking about
There’s gonna be a war between all the blacks and all the whites
And all the black midgets and all the white midgets,
which would actually be really good
That’s just cocaine
He didn’t even want the Vietnamese on his side!
That’s just cocaine
Listen, we’re filming down by the pointy building tonight
It might actually be good for once
You guys should come along
We I think we’re just gonna have a quiet one tonight, Jimmy
That’s how it is!
In another life
They’re great, aren’t they?
You didn’t You didn’t!
(GRUNTING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Mr Waters? Mr Waters?
Who’s that? Lt’s Eirik
The blind boy? Yeah
Yes
What do you fucking want?
The guy you’re looking for,
the guy Ray, he’s downstairs at the bar
(GRUNTING)
L’m sorry, Ken
But you can’t kill a kid and expect to get away with it
You just can’t
Where? To the left when you come out
The bar to the left
(GROANING)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(COINS CLINKING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Ken!
(GASPING)
Ken! Ken!
Harry’s here
What?
Take
my gun
Ken?
Where’s my gun?
L’m gonna die now, I think
Oh, Ken!
Jesus!
(SCREAMING)
Mr Blakely said you had left
I need the key to the room right now
Quickly, now!
And you gotta go home right now lt’s very, very dangerous here
All right? Go home! Right now! Okay
MARIE: No, I won’t let you up there! Put that gun away, right now!
HARRY: Lady, get out of my fucking way, please
No, I won’t I won’t get out of your way
You’ll have to go through me
Well, obviously, l’m not gonna through you, am I, with a baby and that?
L’m a nice person
But could you just get out of the fucking way, please?
Marie!
Just let him come up, it’s okay
Harry, swear not to start shooting until she’s left the hotel
I swear not to start shooting till she’s left the hotel I totally swear
Well, l’m not going anywhere
This is my hotel
So you can fuck off!
I suppose you’ve got a gun up there? Yeah
Then what are we gonna do? We can’t stand here all night
Why don’t you both put your guns down and go home?
Don’t be stupid This is the shootout
Harry, l’ve got an idea What?
My room faces onto the canal, right?
L’m gonna go back to me room, jump into the canal,
see if I can swim to the other side and escape
Right If you go outside and round the corner,
you can shoot at me from there and try and get me
That way, we leave this lady and her baby out of the whole, entire thing
Do you completely promise to jump into the canal?
I don’t want to run out there, come back in 10 minutes
and find you fucking hiding in a cupboard
I completely promise, Harry
l’m not gonna risk having another little kid die, am I?
So, hang on, I go outside, then I go which way, right or left?
You go right, don’t you?
You can see it from the doorway! Lt’s a big fucking canal!
All right Jesus! L’ve only just got here, haven’t I?
Okay On a count of ‘one, two, three, go,’ okay?
Okay
What? Who says it?
Oh, you say it
You guys are crazy
Are you ready? Ready
Set? Set
One, two, three, go!
Keep driving!
No way You’re way too far away
(GROANING)
The little boy
That’s right, Ray
The little boy
Oh
I see
No, Harry
He’s not
You’ve got to stick to your principles
RAY: There’s a Christmas tree somewhere in London
with a bunch of presents underneath it that’II never be opened
And I thought, ‘If I survive all this, l’II go to that house,
‘apologize to the mother there,
‘and accept whatever punishment she chose for me’
Prison, death, it didn’t matter
Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know,
I wouldn’t be in fucking Bruges
But then, like a flash, it came to me, and I realized,
‘Fuck, man, maybe that’s what Hell is
‘The entire rest of eternity spent in fucking Bruges!’
And I really, really hoped I wouldn’t die
I really, really hoped I wouldn’t die
{{{the end}}}